Someone who ...

Dear Noah Wyle.

I've just discovered you're leaving ER. After all these years! How could you? You're deserting me!

'Why?', I cry in despair.

It's not as though I've done anything to you. And my having stopped watching years ago wasn't my fault. Some things are out of a girl's control. You've got to realise this. I know you're perfect (well, apart from that little spot on your...giggles) but where would you be without me?

And now I'm left to spend my time with the weekly diet sheets from the club for hairy-faced old women that I belong to and "Celebrity Love Island" featuring such luminaries as Paul "Reject from Planet Muppet" Danan, the most compelling reason for enforced birth control yet discovered and Nikki "Oh my God! A (small) thought has just entered my head and IT HURTS!! Please get it out. Ahhhh!!" Ziering (nice plastic tits/smile/laugh btw).

You really have given me a reason to no longer try to keep on livving. That's right. Livving is such a pain. Where's my escapism and completely unfounded desire that one day I might end up in Chicago, on the end of a GSW, ready to be rushed in to your ER and saved at the 11th hour by a stroke of your genius as you juggle multiple patients, story lines and complicated relationships like David Blaine speaks intelligible English: incomprehensibly?

Where's the only thing I have in common with those fat bitches in the office who never pull their fat fingers out of their fat arses and are so jealous of me because of my talent? And the only thing that I can talk to them about without wanting to smash their ignorant faces in and shove them down their ignorant throats? Apart from whether or not you and Abby are made for each other. Lucky Abby. Lucky, lucky girl.

Now I have nothing apart from singles nights and blind dates with three-times divorced misogynist fat men and losers who lost their virginity 20 years ago and haven't had it since.

They're not real men. Not like you, my darling. They couldn't perform a tracheotomy with a pen and a bit of sticky tape. Nor stand up for their beliefs, whatever the cost, because they don't have a disgustingly-rich family in the background ready to bail them out. Or not, depending on how dramatic and hard you want your life to be.

That's what I admire about you. Your principles. And that devastating smile that makes me choke on my Ben and Jerry's. Maybe we could share some time? Now you're free, that is.

Oh Noah!

Now it comes to me!

How could I have been so stupid?!

I'm sorry. So so so so sorry!!

Please, please, please forgive me!! Please!

You've left just so you can come and spend time with me?

Oh.
My.
God!

I feel faint!

I need to lie down.

Come soon, sweet Noah!

Come soon.

Your everlasting,

Evelyn.

P.s. I'll paint my toenails cherry red, just for you.

XXXXX