Soon it will be time to move on again. It’s not unexpected: it’s been too many times for me to consider anything as ‘new’, but it feels…like it hasn’t before, yet exactly the same as every time. Even before I knew about time and how its claws would hold me tightly, never hurting unless I struggled, yet always a threat, a promise of something dark that made me want to struggle, to hurt myself against its unyielding grasp.
…moments lost in the lacuna of the pause…
I open the wardrobe and look inside. Not directly at the mirror, mischievous in its placement, but at the hangers on which hang each set of clothes, each identity. New? Not really, but they’ll do, whichever one I choose. It will do.
I remember an earlier time. Much younger, I sat opposite the Buddha. Short, old, scrawny; his withered limbs matched mine, raging with life, in all but skin. I hated him and came to see him daily, when opportunity arose. And there, where we met, he would humiliate me with his gap-toothed grin and sense of calm as we faced each other: combatants old and new. This time I had him outnumbered, outmanoeuvred, undone and it was thus to be our last time as protagonists. ‘Why bother with the defeated?’ I had thought, in preparation for this very moment.
But I have since learnt that chess is not life, despite what those who wish it were would tell us and while the lessons have been learned, painlessly as it now feels, I wish for the days when I may pass the baton of choices made to another and know the pleasantries of this village life.
For now I will say farewell to each passing minute as it leaves in search of the Buddha.
4 comments:
Someone once said that "minutes are part of the legion of yesterday." And that "minutes are like a rain of salt on open sores when they go by and we think of the things we left undone."
Weird.
Good post, as per usual.
Oh, that totally reminds me of a story that my priest told at church the other day. Okay, so this guy is talking to God and he asks, "God what is a million years like to you?" and God replies, "A million years is like a minute to me." And then the guy asks, "And what's a million dollars like to you?" And God goes, "A million dollars is like a penny to me." And so the guy thinks for a minute and then goes, "Hey God, would you give me a penny?" And God replies, "In a minute." Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaa. God is a funny guy.
Good post - as I come to the end of my current 2-year contract and realise I'll be moving to yet another country, I feel this way - opening the wordrobe and seeing everything looks different.
A very thought-provoking post - it must be, because I hate the word 'thought-provoking'.
"...I will say farewell to each passing minute as it leaves in search of the Buddha".
i had to read that outloud and it sounded better when i read it in my mind, with that voice that no-one's ever heard, but knows well.
i have a practical question, though. if these time fragments were to gather somewhere, how much would they weigh?
(don't get too excited, but i think i may be missing you.) [i just puked in my mouth...just a little]
Post a Comment