Good benefits.
Include, but not exclusively: getting soaked in the rain standing outside my empty house.
Police indifference. Possible brutality if you make the major league.
Social worker platitudes and cups of tea at only 20p from the Klix vending machine.
The opportunity to practise your own phone tap and a good cardio w/o (heavy breathing).
Losing the one true friend you thought you had, but didn't really.
Having the neighbours diss you on the telly through their half-opened door as they try to hide the rubbish and unwashed brats behind them.
Losing that job you luvved so....
Lessons in growing a beard and developing a scary, pointed stare that gives the opposite sex the heebie-jeebies.
A better lawyer than the prosecution.
Must be: semi-literate and prepared to spend hours writing out misspelled threats and "promises" of eternal love - in a shoe box.
If female, prepared to take male hormones for the beardy bit.
Possessing the self-esteem of the average Briton.
Sufficiently malleable to believe everything you're told, regardless.
Possess a voice that could shatter eardrums at 200 paces.
Have a select vocabulary, including: "innit. You are my life. I'll kill the bitch/bastard! I would die for you. We were meant to be together forever." and any other twee phrases from bad, oops! great!!!, pop-songs of the last decade.
Interviews will be held 27-28 April in a very big field somewhere. Do not forget your knife and a few torn sheets (preferably worn). Preferential treatment will be given to people with pop-out eyes as they will be considered to be ahead in the stare stakes.
With love,
Your soon to be obsession and idol
2 comments:
Will you require references at the interview?
Newspaper cuttings, television appearances (preferably accompanied by much profanity and having to be restrained by many burly - or portly - men and original banning/restraining orders will be considered acceptable.
Post a Comment